On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
