how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
