My cat gives me a boner
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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