You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
