Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
