Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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