i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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