nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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