You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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