He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
