we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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