You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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