Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
