I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
