Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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