well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
