saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
