Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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