He disabled his match.com account in front of me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
