so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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