And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
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I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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