i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i think i scared a bird with my dick
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
