Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
