just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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