And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
