Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
