it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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