So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
