No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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