my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
