That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
time to smoke my breakfast
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
