I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
