We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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