can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
BRING THE BAGELS
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
