screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
