I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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