I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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