we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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