Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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