dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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