You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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