I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
