I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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