No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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