Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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