I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
