dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
