Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
