dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
