My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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