If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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