he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
