So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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