he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
