Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
