Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize