STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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